When helping my aging father, I struggled to respect his autonomy while ensuring his safety. Not easy. Judith Graham provides helpful tips in Kaiser Health News on how to assist an aging parent and, more generally, older adults, who need help but doesn’t want it.
When older adults become frail, they are at risk of falls and other injuries to themselves and sometimes to others. But, they often do not want help. What to do? You might begin by exploring with them how comfortable they are in their home.
Walk through their home with them. Watch how they get up from their sofa or dining chair. See how easy it is for them to plug in an appliance or get a pot in the kitchen. Let them know about helpful solutions, such as grab bars in the shower and path lights that go on when you pass by them.
And, then, see how they are managing with their bills and other paperwork. Is it disorganized? Are the bills getting paid? Talk to them about the need to make sure that critical services are not erroneously terminated. Ask whether they would like help ensuring that they do not lose important services, like electricity and phone.
If possible, take a look at their credit card statement. A lot of older adults are snookered into spending money on all kinds of products and services they should not be spending money on–anything from unnecessary supplements to warranties, to charitable contributions for sham charities. Consider discussing their expenses and how they can save money.
Make sure your loved one knows never to provide their Social Security number, their Medicare number, their bank account number or other important identification over the phone or to anyone showing up at their home. Even if the person seems nice and trustworthy, your loved one should know that scams abound and to beware. Some scammers are even able to mimic the voice of a grandchild!
But, don’t try to take over without permission. You can make things worse. You can lose a parent’s trust. You need to show respect for your loved one’s independence and empathy. They still can make their own choices, so you can’t take over without their consent.
Of course, you should not step away if help is needed and your loved one resists it. Prioritize those things that could put your loved one’s health, safety or finances at risk. For example, if your mom is still driving, you might contact the local department of motor vehicles and her doctor. Her doctor can send a letter to the RMV asking to retest her. In that case, the RMV intervenes to ensure your mom can continue to drive.
Appeal to your loved one’s best self–what you know and they know is the right thing for them to do. Or, go for an unannounced visit. Bring food. Ask for advice. If something seems off, arrange a doctor’s appointment and let them know it is to help them better accomplish their goals.
Here’s more from Just Care:
- Is it still safe to drive? Have the doctor request a driving test
- Caregiving: A mediator could help minimize stress among siblings caring for an aging parent
- Caregiving: How to prepare for a visit to aging loved ones
- Five tips for talking to the people you love about their health
- For your peace of mind and for the people you love, plan in advance for your care
Leave a Reply